so i'm soooo shocked because i have just realized it has been an entire year since i last typed out a blog on here..what the heck was i thinking huh...how did i ever even get through without getting all my thoughts good and bad out...wow i have been holding a ton in..how unhealthy is that!!! haha
so wow a ton has changed in my life in the past 6 or so months...man o man...seems that is always the amount of time it takes in my life for things to go through an insane change...it is def. a repetitive thing for me..but its ok right????? haha i'm not so sure i would know what to do with myself if things were easy and normal for a long period of time...
i promise one day i could make a fortune and all i would have to do would be to sit down and write a novel about my life...or i could even just write a book about a small part of my life and it would contain enough mayhem...
i love my life though...God is constantly having to remind me to be grateful though and i wish that came naturally for me..but it just doesn't...i'm working on it ok...
i'm 25 now and i'm not even sure i've accepted that yet...i'm no where near where i thought i would be at this age...and at times its depressing honestly....i would have thought i would be settled right now with a husband and maybe even talking about having kids in the near future...but instead i find myself dating these guys and God instantly letting me know that it isnt going to be forever...i mean i am glad he lets me know right away..but its soo exhausting...each relationship containing its own drama and different circumstances..each one ending with its own individual scars...i get a different feeling every time i think back and look at each one of those scars...its not so fun...and then some that are still existing and dragging out as we speak...cuz one thing i've learned is that eventually it has to end...especially if it isn't a relationship that is meant to last forever...eventually bitterness and resentment shows up...and no matter what you do to salvage something you feel is worth fighting for...its inevitable...if it isn't meant to be...it just isnt...and i feel like i'm just left to deal with the aftermath and mess....i think i've become a pro at that actually....
all i can do right now is live in the moment and not think about what heartbreak is coming up for me and just deal with what is going on in the here and now...otherwise i could drive myself crazy thinking "well maybe one day....hummmm" it just doesn't work like that...sometimes you have to say goodbye to someone you thought maybe would be in your life forever...sometimes you have to move on and let time heal and erase the stress of it all....and just quit trying....someday soon i wont have to let go and give up on someone....God will let me know when it will actually be worth fighting for...that in itself is reassuring...looking forward to that is what keeps me going...
