somewhere in the middle...

so wow its been a while since i've updated...i feel like i'm always saying that..sorry :) i dont know what has gotten into me these days...i just have felt so distant..if you want to know the truth...not like myself...but at the same time..just trying to figure out what makes me...me...over the years i've grown into to this woman that continues to repeat certain situations in her life...who, continues to fall and get back up again...who experiences love and dissapointment and somehow always gets stuck in the middle of it all...just praying God will point me in the right direction again...on that note..wow none of that made any sense..good luck trying to figure it out.. :)
so..this year has flown by...i will be turning 24 on christmas day...and i really dont know how that even happened..how am i almost 24 years old...and this year is almost up...gone...only to be remembered as the "past"...and there ya go...just like that, another year is finished...every year that i get older...the things most important to me change...they are always changing...the people that mean the most to me are always slowly becoming less a part of my life..and its almost like i can literally feel change washing away what used to be the "loves" of my life...the only good part about that, is...that change is constantly bringing new "loves" into my life...and for that i am thankful...i guess i get to trade...even so..leaving behind certain people that used to be such a huge part of my life..will always be upsetting for me...knowing that its for the best and even if you wanted to..you cant change it...some things are just destined to be...and i trully believe that...ive given up on guessing...you'll waste your life away..planning and trying to predict how your life will be...how it all will turn out...truth is...we have no control over that...and why would you continue to get let down when your plans get messed up or aren't the way you wanted them to be...all i know is, i can't control my life or where i'll be this time next year...all i can do is continue to take life one day at a time...and go with what God's given me...trust in how i feel and believe in that...(i'm so cheesy, i know haha)
things are about to change in my life...and i'm ready for it, i am...i'm ready to leave whats happened this past year behind me..whether it was good or bad..it all will be left..as memories...

Red & Ruidoso

so..let me catch you up a lil with what has been going on with me..i decided i needed a new hair color..because a while back me and my sister Emily decided to be "cool" and put highlights from a box in our hair..so ya..my "highlights" were really grown out..and my other sister Anna..being the Hair stylist that she is..insisted i take care of those grown out highlights of mine..so i finally gave in..and went in to her school and let her redoe my hair..i was going to just go for an all around color...but when i got in there..her and her friends got all excited and had these ideas for my hair..that i couldn't resist..i'm pretty leaniate about that i guess...so i said "GO FOR IT" and let Anna do what her lil heart desired..and WAALAH! this was the result!

so there ya go..that is that...now my hair is red..with some blonde in it too...what do you think!! haha i really love it..not ever done anything like this before..which is the point! haha

so me and anna decided to take a random trip to Ruidoso, NM last weekend..it was my only free weekend i had...and so i thought i would take advantage..it really wore us out..but was worth it in the end...maybe some day i'll end up moving back there..i just feel so at home when i'm there..its weird...and i know that must mean something right..or maybe not i dunno...we got to see a handful of our friends..not many people were back in town..but some of them still live there..so it turned out great...we went fourwheeling on the mountains...saw some elk...laughed a lot..and just had a great time! i know your jealous..just admit it :D

i'm amazed...

so hey there..i know its been a while since i've posted a new blog...i've noticed that when i get overwhelmed in my life..i tend to put things off on purpose..and i apologize..i know thats not really the best quality to have huh? haha
So i had a pretty good day today...nothing amazing happened but there were some things that opened my eyes...well yesterday i was sick all day...and i seriously wanted to die...and was really ok with it haha i hate being sick..the only thing that gets me through is thinking about how it feels not to be sick..and knowing that i'm not going to be sick for much longer (hopefully)..and even then...its miserable...so it was weird but last night i had this dream that i died...and i'm not going to lie..it was a pretty intense dream and felt really real...but in the dream...i was ok with dying..i was happy to be able to finally live in Heaven and not worry and fret over everything going on in the world...it was like this peace..that i didnt expect...and i woke up feeling really surprised that in my dream..even though i died..it wasn't traumatic or scary..it was peaceful and exciting...so anyways today i went about my business..and was distracted all day with just everything going on with me..I'm leaving Thursday to go to Rosenberg, Texas for my 3rd Peddler Show...so i've just been getting ready for that and going through everything over and over again in my head..praying i dont forget anything...so then tonight we went to our Tuesday night worship service we have been going to at Gateway...it was great as usual..and then all of the sudden right in the middle of worship during this song...i was reminded of my dream...and that feeling of peace i had...there is just SOOO much more going on than what i see around me..and it was very evident to me tonight...God was telling me that that feeling i had in my soul was more than just some random feeling...its real and hes placed that longing in my soul for a reason...i'm part of this amazing plan he has..i'm a part of this family hes been building and continues to build for centuries to come...theres a place for me and ONLY me in Heaven...and that reassurance was almost breathtaking to me....it actually felt real...which is sad..but honestly i've never felt that before..and God spoke to me through that dream i had last night...to let me know that theres more to my life than just this bubble i'm living in..where things dont go my way..and i'm constantly battling with myself over unnecessary things over and over again...he has a greater plan for me...and one day i'll get to finally meet the man...the lover of my soul...and until then...ill be looking forward to it...

I'm dramatic...

so having all this extra time on my hands...my mind is on overtime right now...so be prepared for some rambling...


so i'm pretty sure i've been missing certain places a whole lot here lately...for one i miss south padre..where we spent a summer...well what i really miss is the beach...gosh..i def. miss that...one day when im over the top rich..i wanna have a second home on the beach...its just such a great place to lounge and allow yourself to relax in a way you can't anywhere else...set up your layout chairs...put some sunscreen on...and just bask in the sun..and enjoy the sound of the ocean and the feeling of the breeze in your hair...and i think my favorite part is when your not feeling lazy...and you decide your ready to take a swim in the ocean :) which is like completely different than swimming in the pool...its actually amazing to me..haha then that adventurous part of me always gets this feeling like i wanna swim out as far as i can...and then at a certain point..that other part of me that is really and deathly afraid of sharks..gains control haha i mean someone with as bad of luck as me..really needs to be paranoid sometimes..

God is just soo amazing to me....i think thats why it is really hard for me to stay put somewhere for very long..i am just soo anxious to see more and more of the many beautiful things hes created...i can't even wrap my mind around it all..and i haven't even been to very many places..haha its crazy...hes so unbelievable to me..

another place i am missing like crazy...is ruidoso, nm...i lived there for a lil while and have spent more than a few summers there...the mountains are just as beautiful in their own way...its pretty much also amazing.. :)

since fall is here and winter is on its way...i have really really been thinking a lot about the mountains and that great feeling you get when you can just put on a huge hoody and jeans and a cute beanie and go out in the middle of now where with your friends to sit by a campfire in the middle of the woods somewhere...i love the smells, the people, and just the all together feeling...gahlee..i need to just drive 10 hours and make a trip..cuz i'm pretty sure i left a huge part of myself back in ruidoso...

as for me...i'm the middle child...

So i have these two amazing sisters...and i know i dont thank God enough for them...i love them both soo much..they are such a huge part of my life and who i am....can't imagine life without them...so this post is dedicated to my older sister, Emily...and my younger sister, Anna....

Emily has such a strong personality...its written all over her face 24/7...and its a great personality let me add :)

then there is Anna...she def. has a strong personality as well...thats for sure :D I am so over the top grateful for Annabelle...

I love you both soo much...your my best friends...cant wait to see what God has planned for our lives in the future..i know its gonna be great as long as i have you two!

as for me...i'm willing...

so it seems like i've had a lot on my mind here lately and the truth is..it actually helps to get it all out and post this blog...except for the fact that i can't actually get EVERYTHING im thinking and put it on here for everyone to see...that would be a lil too much..so i'm just going to summarize...i'll leave out the juicy details...i know that kind of leaves you hangin..but i only share the "details" with the ones closest to me...oh..and by the way if your one of those people im close with..i am truly sorry you have to hear about all my details all the time...haha
soo..now that we have that out of the way...
so now that i'm doing my photography in the peddler show..my schedule has changed dramatically...but it has def. been a good change...i'm not working at the station house every day anymore..and i am only doing the shows...so now i have a ton of free time..to just focus on me...its such a weird feeling going from stage to stage in life...each stage being so new and intriguing...so now..i'm done with school and i get to do something i really love as my job...that is def. something i'm not used to...i'm used to having some rink-a-dink job..where i get taken for granted and bossed around 24/7...i dont know if thats how it is for everyone..but i guess i just have never had good luck with jobs...but honestly i never would have taken anything back...God knew what he was doing with me...and i honestly believe that...and now its finally becoming apparent to me...my weaknesses are suddenly becoming my strengths and to gradually become even more conscious of the plan he has for me..is honestly..a pretty amazing feeling...and all worth it....things that are frustrating and that i dont understand now...will make sense sooner or later...its just the being patient and trusting part that can be difficult...but when i look back at my life and how God has protected me and rescued me in so many ways...that makes it all a lil easier...i owe him that much...to love and trust him and acknowledge the many ways hes picked me up and put me on my feet again....without him..life can become this circle of deception and dishonesty that will ware you down to a place of desperation...we need him to live...even if we know that or not...
i know that right now in my life...i'm not married and i dont have children yet...and thats all for a reason....and thats more than ok...no matter how much i long for that....i need to let God do what he needs to do with me...becuz there is soo much more going on than i even know...and i am willing to wait...i dont even want to count how many times hes had to wait on me...

as for me...i'm so all over the place...

so things have really been changing in my life...and i just have this feeling where i know something intense and major is going to happen to me..i just dont really know how to handle it or control it...which makes sense...i'm not supposed to be able to control it i guess...its just so uncomfortable...tonight we went to seven..which is the worship service we go to on tuesday nights...and the whole time..my mind was just racing..and honestly i was uncomfortable...and the worst part of it all was..i couldnt just let it go...something was just stirring in my heart..and it was def. obvious God was trying to speak to me...theres is no denying that feeling...and when its God..i def. know...my heart starts beating really fast..and its hard to swollow ...he wanted to open my eyes to what was really going on around me...to look at the ones who love me and notice and acknowledge the strength and promises that come from those people, and be able to see him through them...and thats real...

just because i dont see him physically...doesn't mean anything...the words my daddy has spoken to me since i was born..thats been God...every moment you've ever had in your life when you feel safe...thats God...those long hours i spent in the car with Anna on our road trips across new mexico and texas..laughing until we can't breath..thats him too...

every good and wonderful thing comes from him...how much more real can it get...

me and anna found this park we had driven by a few times...so we thought we would go out and take some pictures and just explore...it was gorgeous..with all the rain we've been getting everything is just green and gorgeous..there was this huge open field with lil kids having soccer practice..and then there was a path that kind of led into the trees..so being curious and all..we headed down the path...it was really pretty back there..but after 10 minutes or so we realized we were being bit by bugs...of course by the time we realized it..it was too late...and being the smart kid that i am..i wore shorts..so i looked down and had bites all over my legs..guess they liked my lotion...cool story..haha so we quickly ran back to the outlander...and went back home...so much for being curious..thats what we get for watching lost...gahlee..that show is CRAZY...i have trouble sleeping at night..cuz i'm laying awake trying to figure out what the heck is going on in that show..haha

anyways...here are some pics from the park :D

As for me...I'm random...

I am sitting here at work right now...just thinking and thinking about everything going on with me... this weekend is my first Peddler Show in College Station..and I just can't believe it's actually happening..I have been talking about it for a really long time now..thinking maybe someday it would actually all work out..and here I am..planning to leave this Thursday to head up there :D I'm so excited too!! I am so blessed to have such a great family as well...they are soo supportive willing to help me with everything I need..it definitely wouldn't have been possible without them that's for dang sure!!


here's a cute pic of my family from labor day weekend :D


ok on another subject...it has been raining like crazy here..and I know it's because of the hurricane but it makes it sooo difficult for me to get up in the morning and go to work when its all dark in my room and I can hear it raining outside...makes me want to stay in bed for years at a time..haha and since I've been working every day of the week 8 to 9 hours a day..i've just been soo worn out...I mean all those many years I was in college..haha I usually didn't even have a job..all I was doing was going to school...which is kind of a funny lifestyle I think..well it was for me...I hardly ever cared what I looked like...didn't wear much makeup...didn't even dry my hair on my most mornings..I would go to class then come home and sleep..haha I know its horrible..but that's how I was...

You just get into these routines your comfortable with and then when you change routines its difficult adjusting...or it is for me...but I've adjusted...unfortunatley...I would work all day..come home..then be so tired..and not have much energy left for much else...which has been frustrating because all I've really wanted to do is concentrate on the Peddler Show and whats coming up...but its like it has just been too much and so my mind keeps pushing it away...which actually hasn't been that bad a thing...otherwise I would have been overwhelmed...everything has been coming together just fine...with or without my worrying...so I know God has complete control over this situation...

when I get upset or worried about something..for example...sometimes I convince myself that what I see TV could happen to me..and my mind starts racing and just creating these plots and i start worrying...and it is just so captivating..God is constantly having to remind me that he is going to protect me and to stop worrying..and even if I experience hardships of any kind...I am able to overcome them through Him...and that's the amazing part...

As for me...I've changed

so this is a pic of us at the scat jazz club on sundance square..downtown ft worth...I'm just absolutely loving living here...it has just been exactly what I've been needing...there is just so many possibilities here...we could do something different every night for a year if we wanted...I'm loving our apartment, the neighborhood, just Bedford in general, the church we found...it is hard for us to go on Sundays...and i def. wont be able to go now that I'm starting the peddler show in a week or so...so we go on Tuesday nights and its been so refreshing..and just everything i need right now in my life..i love it! ha ha it just seems like church can get to that point where it is draining or more of a burden than anything..or has been in the past..and this one is just none of those things...its great...God has been teaching me a lot through the guy who speaks every Tuesday night...and I've just been challenged to think deeper...which i love! ha ha
I've just learned that here lately..or actually my whole life..I've just been SO focused on my destination that i loose sight of what is really important...if all you think about is where you want to be or where you wish you were in life...your never going to be satisfied with the here and now...you'll be blind to what God wants to show you and all the many blessings he has for you right now! I hate that...i want to be thankful for what i have and who is in my life right now...i dont want to be always wanting more...i trust that god has a plan for me and I'm living that plan every day...
this past weekend me and my whole family went to Clyde, TX, to go to my grandparents 75Th birthday party...my whole extended family was there...and it was such a great trip...other than the fact that me and Anna slept on the pull out couch bed that was kina flat ha ha...the weekend was good...god spoke to me several times while we were in Clyde...just revealing things to me that i had never even thought about... there was a time at the end of the day at the party..where my uncle Murray, cousin Lincoln, & cousin John...performed some music for my grandparents and us...it was fun for sure! but during the whole thing...my eyes kept being drawn to my grandmommy & granddaddy...they were just so cute sitting on the couch together listening intently...smiling and bobbing their heads along with the music...i couldn't stop thinking about how they met when they were young and were sweethearts from the 8th grade on...how amazing is that...and if it weren't for them...none of us would exist...God had a plan for their lives...and through them, and their trust in Him, he created all of us...it just amazes me...i was emotional all weekend...ha ha just thinking of how awesome God is...it just blows my mind to think of it all...

As for me..I'm scatterbrained...

I am so scatterbrained sometimes...ok so ya this is my second post in one day..dont judge me..i'm at work..and i am on the computer all day..so ya..i get a lil bored...:)
So i had a dream last night about someone who i used to be really close with...dreams amaze me first of all...i haven't thought about this person in forever..and out of no where i dream about him...I am also a firm believer that they usually mean something...and since i woke up this morning i can't seem to stop thinking about this person..wondering how they are..where they are..what their doing with their life...i used to know..but so much time has passed by...do i even know this person anymore..or have they changed completley..they more than likely aren't the same...which is sad to me in a way...but change is good tho too...growing up..moving on...maturing in life..and everything...that is def. a good thing...back then...i saw this person every day for a huge portion of my life...so i never had to wonder...i already knew...
i just def. believe there are certain people we know over the years..who stay with us..whether or not we move away or create a whole new life with all new people...there are just those certain ones who..keep showing up in your mind...or in your dreams..those people God just puts in your heart for a reason i'm sure...despite the bitterness...or anger you may have obtained against them...we always remember the good things..and those are what matters the most...it is possible to only remember the good...but also very important to me..to learn from the bad...if you hold onto those bad things..its affects you over the years...and it is more than likely best for you to just let go...
My life is about to change once again..in a huge way...i'm going to actually do what i love and get paid for it..and it doesn't even seem real yet...well i guess cuz it isn't quite yet...but i'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it will be real..in like 2 weeks or so...and God has been just teaching me and helping me to decide what is good to hold on to...and what is better left alone and left behind...mostly right now..i'm learning to let go of certain things i used to lean on..and depend on...come to find out they werent as dependable and sturdy as i thought....and i know for a fact that was God..i was depending and needing these things to keeps me stable..when all i need is Him...he has been revealing the fact that i'm strong enough and dependant enough to only have one thing that is sturdy and true..and that's Him...wordly things..let you down..crumble and dissapear...and when it is something or someone you have come to love..it hurts your heart when they do...it also hurts your trust...why put yourself through that..why not rely on someone who will never do those things...and will promise to never hurt you or abandon you...seems simple huh??

As for me...I'm blessed...

Well hello everyone! haha I have a photography blogger...but I decided that I needed one just for me...for me to randomly post..with just my thoughts and sporadic revelations! :)
So I'm sitting here at work..just thinking about my family...the one thing that has always been constant in my life...I am getting to see them this weekend..We are all traveling to Clyde, Texas to go to my grandparents 75th birthday part-aae...So I get to see the WHOLE family...and I must say it's been too long.. :( My family holds such a huge part of my life that I literally go through withdrawls if I go a long time with out seeing them...
I dont want to brag..but I have the best mother in the whole world...I'm so blessed to have her...shes has this kind heart..thats just gracious and giving...I pray that I will be as understanding and loving to my own kids one day :)
Here is a photo of Mom & Ethan...(my nephew)

I dont know what I would do without either one my parents...I have always been a daddy's girl..ever since I was little..so he has been a huge influence for me my whole life...I have his brown eyes and dark hair...and maybe I got my stubborness from him too..i dunno..haha

Heres Daddy & Zayne (other nephew)....

Heres of pic of both my parents...
and some pics of me and my sisters..Emily & Anna

give me time...

so i planned to go ahead and post my first entry tonight..but i decided i was really tired..and i have to work in the morning..so its not really the best time..but dont give up on me yet :D tomorrow..i promise :)
goodnight!