Lead me...

so tonight i had already gotten ready for bed and turned out the light and was lying there thinking..as usual..i can never seem to turn my mind off at night..its this major problem i have...but tonight God used that problem and really spoke to me in a way that i have really missed...this seems silly, but whenever God has something he really wants to tell me, my heart starts beating really really fast...im lucky really, because its this sign that i need to really shut my own mouth and listen for what he really wants me to hear...and tonight he could not have been more obvious...in the middle of me thinking and thinking about my life and my future and my hopes and dreams...God stopped me and pretty much said.."Bethany, I need you to want me MORE than you want all of those things..." which seems simple really and pretty obvious...i mean ya of course God wants you to want him over all other things...and its just one of those facts you just know...but for me...i had lost sight of the real truth in that...it had only been a fact for me..one of those "right" answers...hearing him simply reveal that to me tonight...really just touched every part of my soul..and left me speechless...all at once...i was remembering how amazing He is...how amazing is our God?? He has completely saved me and continues to do that in so many ways that i'm unaware of everyday...that in itself is so amazing...He longs for me to want him more than i want the truest and deepest desires of my own heart...those things should be so small in importance compared to my desire to seek after and adore Him...He is the only one that matters in the end...the only one who will be standing while all of us will be on our knees...he has created my heart and my spirit to love him above all else...and now more than ever i feel that, i believe in that...my troubles, my imperfections are so insignificant to what is really going on in this world and what is going on in heaven...worrying and fearing over worldly things is so pointless...why would we continue to do these things when we should be concentrating on whats to come for us in Heaven...bottom line is...we belong to God...we have been branded from day one...how lucky are we??
At church this morning...we sang the song by Hillsong called "Lead me to the Cross"...and that song and the lyrics have been stuck in my head all day...every part of me cries out for every part of God...I know that only him can rid me of my doubts, fears, desperation, and everything else that seems to follow me...only him...
goodnight.

(chorus)
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

somewhere in the middle...

so wow its been a while since i've updated...i feel like i'm always saying that..sorry :) i dont know what has gotten into me these days...i just have felt so distant..if you want to know the truth...not like myself...but at the same time..just trying to figure out what makes me...me...over the years i've grown into to this woman that continues to repeat certain situations in her life...who, continues to fall and get back up again...who experiences love and dissapointment and somehow always gets stuck in the middle of it all...just praying God will point me in the right direction again...on that note..wow none of that made any sense..good luck trying to figure it out.. :)
so..this year has flown by...i will be turning 24 on christmas day...and i really dont know how that even happened..how am i almost 24 years old...and this year is almost up...gone...only to be remembered as the "past"...and there ya go...just like that, another year is finished...every year that i get older...the things most important to me change...they are always changing...the people that mean the most to me are always slowly becoming less a part of my life..and its almost like i can literally feel change washing away what used to be the "loves" of my life...the only good part about that, is...that change is constantly bringing new "loves" into my life...and for that i am thankful...i guess i get to trade...even so..leaving behind certain people that used to be such a huge part of my life..will always be upsetting for me...knowing that its for the best and even if you wanted to..you cant change it...some things are just destined to be...and i trully believe that...ive given up on guessing...you'll waste your life away..planning and trying to predict how your life will be...how it all will turn out...truth is...we have no control over that...and why would you continue to get let down when your plans get messed up or aren't the way you wanted them to be...all i know is, i can't control my life or where i'll be this time next year...all i can do is continue to take life one day at a time...and go with what God's given me...trust in how i feel and believe in that...(i'm so cheesy, i know haha)
things are about to change in my life...and i'm ready for it, i am...i'm ready to leave whats happened this past year behind me..whether it was good or bad..it all will be left..as memories...

Red & Ruidoso

so..let me catch you up a lil with what has been going on with me..i decided i needed a new hair color..because a while back me and my sister Emily decided to be "cool" and put highlights from a box in our hair..so ya..my "highlights" were really grown out..and my other sister Anna..being the Hair stylist that she is..insisted i take care of those grown out highlights of mine..so i finally gave in..and went in to her school and let her redoe my hair..i was going to just go for an all around color...but when i got in there..her and her friends got all excited and had these ideas for my hair..that i couldn't resist..i'm pretty leaniate about that i guess...so i said "GO FOR IT" and let Anna do what her lil heart desired..and WAALAH! this was the result!

so there ya go..that is that...now my hair is red..with some blonde in it too...what do you think!! haha i really love it..not ever done anything like this before..which is the point! haha

so me and anna decided to take a random trip to Ruidoso, NM last weekend..it was my only free weekend i had...and so i thought i would take advantage..it really wore us out..but was worth it in the end...maybe some day i'll end up moving back there..i just feel so at home when i'm there..its weird...and i know that must mean something right..or maybe not i dunno...we got to see a handful of our friends..not many people were back in town..but some of them still live there..so it turned out great...we went fourwheeling on the mountains...saw some elk...laughed a lot..and just had a great time! i know your jealous..just admit it :D

i'm amazed...

so hey there..i know its been a while since i've posted a new blog...i've noticed that when i get overwhelmed in my life..i tend to put things off on purpose..and i apologize..i know thats not really the best quality to have huh? haha
So i had a pretty good day today...nothing amazing happened but there were some things that opened my eyes...well yesterday i was sick all day...and i seriously wanted to die...and was really ok with it haha i hate being sick..the only thing that gets me through is thinking about how it feels not to be sick..and knowing that i'm not going to be sick for much longer (hopefully)..and even then...its miserable...so it was weird but last night i had this dream that i died...and i'm not going to lie..it was a pretty intense dream and felt really real...but in the dream...i was ok with dying..i was happy to be able to finally live in Heaven and not worry and fret over everything going on in the world...it was like this peace..that i didnt expect...and i woke up feeling really surprised that in my dream..even though i died..it wasn't traumatic or scary..it was peaceful and exciting...so anyways today i went about my business..and was distracted all day with just everything going on with me..I'm leaving Thursday to go to Rosenberg, Texas for my 3rd Peddler Show...so i've just been getting ready for that and going through everything over and over again in my head..praying i dont forget anything...so then tonight we went to our Tuesday night worship service we have been going to at Gateway...it was great as usual..and then all of the sudden right in the middle of worship during this song...i was reminded of my dream...and that feeling of peace i had...there is just SOOO much more going on than what i see around me..and it was very evident to me tonight...God was telling me that that feeling i had in my soul was more than just some random feeling...its real and hes placed that longing in my soul for a reason...i'm part of this amazing plan he has..i'm a part of this family hes been building and continues to build for centuries to come...theres a place for me and ONLY me in Heaven...and that reassurance was almost breathtaking to me....it actually felt real...which is sad..but honestly i've never felt that before..and God spoke to me through that dream i had last night...to let me know that theres more to my life than just this bubble i'm living in..where things dont go my way..and i'm constantly battling with myself over unnecessary things over and over again...he has a greater plan for me...and one day i'll get to finally meet the man...the lover of my soul...and until then...ill be looking forward to it...

I'm dramatic...

so having all this extra time on my hands...my mind is on overtime right now...so be prepared for some rambling...


so i'm pretty sure i've been missing certain places a whole lot here lately...for one i miss south padre..where we spent a summer...well what i really miss is the beach...gosh..i def. miss that...one day when im over the top rich..i wanna have a second home on the beach...its just such a great place to lounge and allow yourself to relax in a way you can't anywhere else...set up your layout chairs...put some sunscreen on...and just bask in the sun..and enjoy the sound of the ocean and the feeling of the breeze in your hair...and i think my favorite part is when your not feeling lazy...and you decide your ready to take a swim in the ocean :) which is like completely different than swimming in the pool...its actually amazing to me..haha then that adventurous part of me always gets this feeling like i wanna swim out as far as i can...and then at a certain point..that other part of me that is really and deathly afraid of sharks..gains control haha i mean someone with as bad of luck as me..really needs to be paranoid sometimes..

God is just soo amazing to me....i think thats why it is really hard for me to stay put somewhere for very long..i am just soo anxious to see more and more of the many beautiful things hes created...i can't even wrap my mind around it all..and i haven't even been to very many places..haha its crazy...hes so unbelievable to me..

another place i am missing like crazy...is ruidoso, nm...i lived there for a lil while and have spent more than a few summers there...the mountains are just as beautiful in their own way...its pretty much also amazing.. :)

since fall is here and winter is on its way...i have really really been thinking a lot about the mountains and that great feeling you get when you can just put on a huge hoody and jeans and a cute beanie and go out in the middle of now where with your friends to sit by a campfire in the middle of the woods somewhere...i love the smells, the people, and just the all together feeling...gahlee..i need to just drive 10 hours and make a trip..cuz i'm pretty sure i left a huge part of myself back in ruidoso...

as for me...i'm the middle child...

So i have these two amazing sisters...and i know i dont thank God enough for them...i love them both soo much..they are such a huge part of my life and who i am....can't imagine life without them...so this post is dedicated to my older sister, Emily...and my younger sister, Anna....

Emily has such a strong personality...its written all over her face 24/7...and its a great personality let me add :)

then there is Anna...she def. has a strong personality as well...thats for sure :D I am so over the top grateful for Annabelle...

I love you both soo much...your my best friends...cant wait to see what God has planned for our lives in the future..i know its gonna be great as long as i have you two!

as for me...i'm willing...

so it seems like i've had a lot on my mind here lately and the truth is..it actually helps to get it all out and post this blog...except for the fact that i can't actually get EVERYTHING im thinking and put it on here for everyone to see...that would be a lil too much..so i'm just going to summarize...i'll leave out the juicy details...i know that kind of leaves you hangin..but i only share the "details" with the ones closest to me...oh..and by the way if your one of those people im close with..i am truly sorry you have to hear about all my details all the time...haha
soo..now that we have that out of the way...
so now that i'm doing my photography in the peddler show..my schedule has changed dramatically...but it has def. been a good change...i'm not working at the station house every day anymore..and i am only doing the shows...so now i have a ton of free time..to just focus on me...its such a weird feeling going from stage to stage in life...each stage being so new and intriguing...so now..i'm done with school and i get to do something i really love as my job...that is def. something i'm not used to...i'm used to having some rink-a-dink job..where i get taken for granted and bossed around 24/7...i dont know if thats how it is for everyone..but i guess i just have never had good luck with jobs...but honestly i never would have taken anything back...God knew what he was doing with me...and i honestly believe that...and now its finally becoming apparent to me...my weaknesses are suddenly becoming my strengths and to gradually become even more conscious of the plan he has for me..is honestly..a pretty amazing feeling...and all worth it....things that are frustrating and that i dont understand now...will make sense sooner or later...its just the being patient and trusting part that can be difficult...but when i look back at my life and how God has protected me and rescued me in so many ways...that makes it all a lil easier...i owe him that much...to love and trust him and acknowledge the many ways hes picked me up and put me on my feet again....without him..life can become this circle of deception and dishonesty that will ware you down to a place of desperation...we need him to live...even if we know that or not...
i know that right now in my life...i'm not married and i dont have children yet...and thats all for a reason....and thats more than ok...no matter how much i long for that....i need to let God do what he needs to do with me...becuz there is soo much more going on than i even know...and i am willing to wait...i dont even want to count how many times hes had to wait on me...