sometimes i wish my life was a book, so i could skip to the end and just reassure myself that this all happened for a reason....

everything just feels like it has been such a wreck here lately and i dont really know how to get it back together..in fact i'm honestly not even sure it ever was "together" at all...i know i'm being dramatic but it just feels healthy to get this out i think...

i turn 27 soon and i dont feel ready...i dont think i was ready for 26 or 25 either but this time i feel dangerously close to 30. i feel like i should have had a list of things i most definitely needed to have done by the time i turn 30...i wouldn't even know how to begin on a list like that though..i change so much every year how would it even be legit....so instead i am just going to continue to live my life the best i know how... and try to forget about all the things i thought i needed to have done by now...

instead i am going to go check a book out from the library...get lost in the story and forget about my own...

in truth..

i have been really concentrating on what i want and not enough on what i have...

i talked to someone the other day and we were talking about our age and he said he stopped keeping track after 25..and i thought ya..sometimes thats how i feel...25 isnt old by any means, but its kind of that time in your life where you feel like everything kina is thrown in your face...you start really thinking about who you are and where you have been...now that i'm 26 going on 27...i kina just wish i was 24 again...that feeling doesn't really go away actually...i really would love to go back and maybe do things differently...i believe everything happens for a reason and everything but maybe there were better ways of handling situations..people are going to leave no matter what..you are going to lose contact with the people you love..and maybe i wouldn't mind delaying the inevitable...maybe there would have been ways to avoid making those mistakes that you deal with for the rest of your life that you were unaware of at the time...that would be nice huh...

bottom line is..you can't take that stuff back..or delay saying goodbye to someone you never wanted to say goodbye to...people enter your life just as quickly as they leave though..so its important to appreciate people if they mean anything to you at all...

im working on my appreciation of the love of my life right now though..my relationship with God seems like it is the most inconsistent..here lately...he gave us the choice to choose him in our own time and that is what makes it so beautiful when we do...i hate that i falter and stray sometimes but the feeling i have when i realize that he forgives and is always there no matter what..is unbelievable...he is the best friend in my life that honestly and truthfully will never leave me...and i'm daily trying my best to be that person for him back...

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. (Psalm 145: 18-19)

control...

i find myself constantly doubting myself and my life in general, and i hate that i do that...i wish and only hope that i can learn to control my insecurities and one day be only full of confidence that this life will one day make complete sense...that would be nice huh!?

i have had to make some pretty intense decisions lately and no matter how painful they were...it would be more painful to ignore and bury them...

it is never comfortable or pleasant to hurt someone you truly care about...the only reassurance i have is that it was for good in the long run...but that piercing unpleasant feeling still shoots right through me when i think about it...i always feel like i'm in a movie during times like those...i remember thinking "is this really happening right now" during..and also thinking afterwards that i would never forget the feelings i had at that moment in time..even though if i had a choice i would erase them right after they occurred...but sometimes your heart wont allow it.

people come and go in life..some making more of an impression on you than others...i wish i could drop names but unfortunately this isn't some journal of mine that i can keep safe and hidden away..so no names..but those certain people for me...instantly triggers my emotions when i think of the memories...and how that is all that is left...memories... whether it was my choice to walk away or theirs...either way... the impressions and impacts they made on your life feel permanent...and almost haunting... the control on my part is being able to somehow turn the negative feelings into positive ones...

Bethany

what matters...

latley life has been so unpredictable and all over the place....the people in your life who really affect your life and that matter to you..aren't always going to be constant...caring about someone on a deeper level puts you at risk of getting hurt..and not the kind of hurt where you heal right away and move on..but the kind of hurt that hits you deep down and becomes buried...showing itself from time to time and each time hitting you just as hard as if no time has passed...

there are way too many risks in life..and believing in people is a huge one for me...

i tend to believe in others maybe too much...i want to see the good and hope for only good...when at times it feels foolish of me.

one thing about this is to appreciate the ones around you who ARE constant and love you despite your flaws...the ones who dont give up on you and remind you of your mistakes and insecurities..but only help you through...

my dad has been super sick for a while and at first i honeslty wasn't taking it serious..he has always just been this strong figure in my life and so i just automatically believed he would get through this and now that he has been in the hospital for days now..its really all the sudden shaken me...i know he will get through this...he has to..but that memory of being a daddy's girl always relying on him and thinking he was everything will always stay with me..i could never be able to live without him...

appreciate those you know and love...life is always going to be life..its never perfect and one day you may wish you hadn't taken for granted those who you let in your life and heart for a reason...

love,

bethany

bout time...

so life just isn't ever what you expect or believe it should be...but that isn't new news huh...not for me it isn't anyway...the only way to stay sane is to remember that the only steady and predictable thing is God...
so i just turned 26 and i'm not gonna lie..it was a lil tough on my emotions...it just felt so different..like maybe i should have my life put together by now or just maybe i lost the chance...which is ridiculous but sometimes those kind of thoughts are inevitable...i dunno...the truth is i really have felt like i have accomplished a lot in this past year...its just not what i would have put together or planned for my life...but maybe thats a good thing...it has to be..God is the only one who knows what is best for me...and everything is as it should be...i might have made 100 mistakes along the way but after asking for his forgiveness countless times and then forgiving myself...those mistakes have been erased and it amazes me that God never stops loving me..he loves me despite it all...guilt is something that holds us back...i honestly believe it is something the devil uses to make us feel like less than what we are worth...and then it only leads to more and more sin because there is no longer a reason to be who we truly are...it's all just lies..all we have to do is recognize that...
its 2011 now..a perfect time for a new start and i'm constantly breathing in and out and reminding myself that this year will be full of events that are meant to be and hopefully refreshing to my life :)

passions and inspirations...

So i feel renewed and inspired to be the person i feel like God wants me to be. I know i'm not perfect and God loves that about me...but for him i am choosing to honor him by letting my heart be apparent to others.. i feel like that is so important in life these days. It is so easy to keep all of that inside and bury it until you forget it even exists... until you forget all the unique and wonderful things about yourself that sets you apart from everyone else. For me its my passion for my photography and my creative and artistic side... i have such a belief in making things beautiful and allowing eyes to see how gorgeous life is and can be. God created this world with so many beautiful things in it and i want to emphasize those things instead of what makes this world a struggle to live in. He made each of us unique and amazing but only by him are we able to portray that.

I have gotten more into my photography and plan to do more and more of that. Not long ago i took some family pics of the Bellon's and it was so much fun. They have such a sweet family and such adorable kids.

I plan to do some fashion pics soon..so be ready for that... :)

In his word, I put my hope...

What is there to hope for? I find myself asking that question a lot latley. It is actually good for me to answer over and over again. It reminds me that one day all my hopes and wishes will become real. I feel a whole lot better when i think of one day giving up all of our worries and despair. Leaving them behind and finally renewing our hearts and souls by joining Him. All of our pain will be gone and that is almost impossible to imagine. My heart feels heavy when i think about it though, like it is his way of letting me know to be ready. Ready to say goodbye....
PSALMS 130:5 I WAIT FOR THE LORD, MY WHOLE BEING WAITS...AND IN HIS WORD I PUT MY HOPE...

Strong Tower...

So today is super windy and dusty and i woke up feeling horrible because of it...ugh...i can't stand days like this...i obviously am more a fan of nice and perfect weather..but who isn't haha
my mind is so blank right now...i have felt like that a lot lately and i hate it...i find myself thinking constantly about the things in my life i dont approve of..and then letting it get the best of me..and the way i have been dealing with it is basically shutting down...shutting the things out of my mind hoping they will stay away forever..but they dont...never do...there are so many things to look forward to...i wish those were the only things filing through my mind...ugh is it possible to only remember the good and never the bad? that just seems so unrealistic doesn't it?
tonight my mom, older sister, and two nephews are coming into town..mom is moving here permanently but my older sister and nephews will be here a week. So ya i am super excited to get to spend some fun times with them. my family has always been there for me and has been one of the only constant things in my life....i am very blessed to have such a strong family base...and i really do treasure that...i never want to take that for granted...no sir...
i guess what i am really waiting on is someone to come into my life who is gracious, mature, interesting, and many many other things..someone who has the potential to start something great with...i'm done with the petty, immature, pointlessness in my life...i have already had enough of it in my life..not sure there is even room left for more...i think that is why i feel blank most of the time...i'm done with and hoping to get rid of what makes me feel that way...lately my prayers have all been sounding the same...they are pretty much on repeat...
none of us know for certain what will happen tomorrow or next week or even next year for that matter..in fact i am unsure of pretty much everything in my life. One thing that i am not unsure of is Him....in fact he is the only thing i am sure of...the only thing i have ever been sure of.
Proverbs 18:10 THE NAME OF THE LORD IS A STRONG TOWER, THE RIGHTEOUS RUN TO IT AND ARE SAFE.
when i think of this i feel secure and stable, because i know that no matter how messed up this world is..or the relationships going on in it...God will forever be right and strong and true...and i never want to let the negative make me forget that feeling...He is the rock that keeps us all standing when all we want to do is give up...
Love,
Bethany

He who humbles himself will be exalted...

I had such a crazy day yesterday...i got up at 7 and had plenty of time to get everything i needed done..and then right in the middle of drying my hair i realized..'HEY I DONT HAVE TO BE AT WORK UNTIL 10 NOT 9" so i had like an hour to waste which actually turned out pretty nice...but i had eaten breakfast at 7 and was really ready for lunch at noon..but we didnt have a lunch break till 1:30 so..it was very torturous i'm not gonna lie haha....and i worked about 8 hours yesterday so by the time i got home..i was pretty tired..and then it was weird..the day was pretty much over..all i wanted to do was get in my pjs and watch american idol..and other shows haha i'm a nerd...
I am amazed at what God is doing in my life right now...he rewards those who are honoring him...and its easy to forget how important that is to do...lately i've been soo aware of how God is working in my life. All of the things i think i need are usually what is distracting me from my relationship with Him. Even though i'm 25 i tend to act like a 5 year old and throw a little fit when things dont go my way. I come from a really dramatic family and sometimes i let that get the best of me.
the scripture i'm looking at this morning is Luke 18:14 FOR EVERYONE WHO EXALTS HIMSELF WILL BE HUMBLED AND HE WHO HUMBLES HIMSELF WILL BE EXALTED.
God is constantly letting us know that he has a place for us up in heaven..specifically made for each and every one of us. All we have to do is be true to our promises to him and continue to allow him to direct our lives.
I pray that i have the strength to be the best that i can be every day :)
Love,
Bethany

Create in me a pure heart...

So I was lying in bed last night and realized that this summer i really want to change some things in my life...so i'm starting off by getting up a half hour earlier than i would originally to get up for work and type a post about what scripture i'm going over that morning. God has a way of renewing my soul and i miss that feeling.
this morning i'm looking at...
Psalms 51:10-12-CREATE IN ME A PURE HEART, O GOD, AND RENEW A STEADFAST SPIRIT WITHIN ME. DO NOT CAST ME FROM YOUR PRESENCE OR TAKE YOUR HOLY SPIRIT FROM ME. RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION AND GRANT ME A WILLING SPIRIT, TO SUSTAIN ME.
Psalms is my all time favorite book. It's full of prayers and praises to Him that i really feel every time i read the words. i love it...
i especially love this scripture because of how certain it makes me feel. I long for that relationship i have had with God in the past. I want to get our friendship back somehow but honestly every time i begin to concentrate on that, it feels like i'm reaching for something that is just so far away. i continue to have all of these dreams about trying to get somewhere that doesn't exist, having no control, being stuck in chaos that is just impossible to get through. I dont trust this world at all, i barely trust anyone in it...so i find it difficult to trust God sometimes. He has never done anything to break my trust and never will, but i still continue to have problems trusting and just letting go. I have this idea of how my life should be and that if i dont have certain things i can't be happy. None of it is true, and i will keep praying for Him to sustain me and to grant me a willing spirit. I want to get rid of the voice in my head, telling me that i will never be happy, and all of the dreams i long for are out of reach.
God, help me to build up the strength to push away those negative thoughts and to accept the positive ones that i know are true. I love you and have sincerely missed you. I'm sorry for letting fear and anger get in the way.
Love, Bethany

So i'm feeling the urge to type out a new blog so here we go :)

my heart has been sooo torn lately...i wish that i could just ask God straight up and that i could get a definant answer back QUICKLY..but it doesn't ever work like that does it? God seems to believe in letting me figure things out on my own EVENTUALLY....thats ok too i guess..i have just felt unsettled because i'm sick of the same patterns in my life...i'm so ready to begin something new in my life..something that is stable and will last forever...how do you get past the obstacles in your life that seems to never go away...you think you are done forever..and then whoop there they are...i guess though my life would not be as interesting...i'm just trying to find the good in all of this mess... and i can't say my life isn't exciting because it is...all of this change makes things less boring i guess..haha

so we went to albuquerque last weekend to see our good friends Mackenzie and Erica...o goodness it was sooo much fun...actually i can't even understand why we haven't been friends with them for longer...and i'm soo blessed to have such great friends for sure :D

No one really ever wins in Heartbreak Warfare...

so i'm soooo shocked because i have just realized it has been an entire year since i last typed out a blog on here..what the heck was i thinking huh...how did i ever even get through without getting all my thoughts good and bad out...wow i have been holding a ton in..how unhealthy is that!!! haha
so wow a ton has changed in my life in the past 6 or so months...man o man...seems that is always the amount of time it takes in my life for things to go through an insane change...it is def. a repetitive thing for me..but its ok right????? haha i'm not so sure i would know what to do with myself if things were easy and normal for a long period of time...
i promise one day i could make a fortune and all i would have to do would be to sit down and write a novel about my life...or i could even just write a book about a small part of my life and it would contain enough mayhem...
i love my life though...God is constantly having to remind me to be grateful though and i wish that came naturally for me..but it just doesn't...i'm working on it ok...
i'm 25 now and i'm not even sure i've accepted that yet...i'm no where near where i thought i would be at this age...and at times its depressing honestly....i would have thought i would be settled right now with a husband and maybe even talking about having kids in the near future...but instead i find myself dating these guys and God instantly letting me know that it isnt going to be forever...i mean i am glad he lets me know right away..but its soo exhausting...each relationship containing its own drama and different circumstances..each one ending with its own individual scars...i get a different feeling every time i think back and look at each one of those scars...its not so fun...and then some that are still existing and dragging out as we speak...cuz one thing i've learned is that eventually it has to end...especially if it isn't a relationship that is meant to last forever...eventually bitterness and resentment shows up...and no matter what you do to salvage something you feel is worth fighting for...its inevitable...if it isn't meant to be...it just isnt...and i feel like i'm just left to deal with the aftermath and mess....i think i've become a pro at that actually....
all i can do right now is live in the moment and not think about what heartbreak is coming up for me and just deal with what is going on in the here and now...otherwise i could drive myself crazy thinking "well maybe one day....hummmm" it just doesn't work like that...sometimes you have to say goodbye to someone you thought maybe would be in your life forever...sometimes you have to move on and let time heal and erase the stress of it all....and just quit trying....someday soon i wont have to let go and give up on someone....God will let me know when it will actually be worth fighting for...that in itself is reassuring...looking forward to that is what keeps me going...

Lead me...

so tonight i had already gotten ready for bed and turned out the light and was lying there thinking..as usual..i can never seem to turn my mind off at night..its this major problem i have...but tonight God used that problem and really spoke to me in a way that i have really missed...this seems silly, but whenever God has something he really wants to tell me, my heart starts beating really really fast...im lucky really, because its this sign that i need to really shut my own mouth and listen for what he really wants me to hear...and tonight he could not have been more obvious...in the middle of me thinking and thinking about my life and my future and my hopes and dreams...God stopped me and pretty much said.."Bethany, I need you to want me MORE than you want all of those things..." which seems simple really and pretty obvious...i mean ya of course God wants you to want him over all other things...and its just one of those facts you just know...but for me...i had lost sight of the real truth in that...it had only been a fact for me..one of those "right" answers...hearing him simply reveal that to me tonight...really just touched every part of my soul..and left me speechless...all at once...i was remembering how amazing He is...how amazing is our God?? He has completely saved me and continues to do that in so many ways that i'm unaware of everyday...that in itself is so amazing...He longs for me to want him more than i want the truest and deepest desires of my own heart...those things should be so small in importance compared to my desire to seek after and adore Him...He is the only one that matters in the end...the only one who will be standing while all of us will be on our knees...he has created my heart and my spirit to love him above all else...and now more than ever i feel that, i believe in that...my troubles, my imperfections are so insignificant to what is really going on in this world and what is going on in heaven...worrying and fearing over worldly things is so pointless...why would we continue to do these things when we should be concentrating on whats to come for us in Heaven...bottom line is...we belong to God...we have been branded from day one...how lucky are we??
At church this morning...we sang the song by Hillsong called "Lead me to the Cross"...and that song and the lyrics have been stuck in my head all day...every part of me cries out for every part of God...I know that only him can rid me of my doubts, fears, desperation, and everything else that seems to follow me...only him...
goodnight.

(chorus)
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

somewhere in the middle...

so wow its been a while since i've updated...i feel like i'm always saying that..sorry :) i dont know what has gotten into me these days...i just have felt so distant..if you want to know the truth...not like myself...but at the same time..just trying to figure out what makes me...me...over the years i've grown into to this woman that continues to repeat certain situations in her life...who, continues to fall and get back up again...who experiences love and dissapointment and somehow always gets stuck in the middle of it all...just praying God will point me in the right direction again...on that note..wow none of that made any sense..good luck trying to figure it out.. :)
so..this year has flown by...i will be turning 24 on christmas day...and i really dont know how that even happened..how am i almost 24 years old...and this year is almost up...gone...only to be remembered as the "past"...and there ya go...just like that, another year is finished...every year that i get older...the things most important to me change...they are always changing...the people that mean the most to me are always slowly becoming less a part of my life..and its almost like i can literally feel change washing away what used to be the "loves" of my life...the only good part about that, is...that change is constantly bringing new "loves" into my life...and for that i am thankful...i guess i get to trade...even so..leaving behind certain people that used to be such a huge part of my life..will always be upsetting for me...knowing that its for the best and even if you wanted to..you cant change it...some things are just destined to be...and i trully believe that...ive given up on guessing...you'll waste your life away..planning and trying to predict how your life will be...how it all will turn out...truth is...we have no control over that...and why would you continue to get let down when your plans get messed up or aren't the way you wanted them to be...all i know is, i can't control my life or where i'll be this time next year...all i can do is continue to take life one day at a time...and go with what God's given me...trust in how i feel and believe in that...(i'm so cheesy, i know haha)
things are about to change in my life...and i'm ready for it, i am...i'm ready to leave whats happened this past year behind me..whether it was good or bad..it all will be left..as memories...

Red & Ruidoso

so..let me catch you up a lil with what has been going on with me..i decided i needed a new hair color..because a while back me and my sister Emily decided to be "cool" and put highlights from a box in our hair..so ya..my "highlights" were really grown out..and my other sister Anna..being the Hair stylist that she is..insisted i take care of those grown out highlights of mine..so i finally gave in..and went in to her school and let her redoe my hair..i was going to just go for an all around color...but when i got in there..her and her friends got all excited and had these ideas for my hair..that i couldn't resist..i'm pretty leaniate about that i guess...so i said "GO FOR IT" and let Anna do what her lil heart desired..and WAALAH! this was the result!

so there ya go..that is that...now my hair is red..with some blonde in it too...what do you think!! haha i really love it..not ever done anything like this before..which is the point! haha

so me and anna decided to take a random trip to Ruidoso, NM last weekend..it was my only free weekend i had...and so i thought i would take advantage..it really wore us out..but was worth it in the end...maybe some day i'll end up moving back there..i just feel so at home when i'm there..its weird...and i know that must mean something right..or maybe not i dunno...we got to see a handful of our friends..not many people were back in town..but some of them still live there..so it turned out great...we went fourwheeling on the mountains...saw some elk...laughed a lot..and just had a great time! i know your jealous..just admit it :D

i'm amazed...

so hey there..i know its been a while since i've posted a new blog...i've noticed that when i get overwhelmed in my life..i tend to put things off on purpose..and i apologize..i know thats not really the best quality to have huh? haha
So i had a pretty good day today...nothing amazing happened but there were some things that opened my eyes...well yesterday i was sick all day...and i seriously wanted to die...and was really ok with it haha i hate being sick..the only thing that gets me through is thinking about how it feels not to be sick..and knowing that i'm not going to be sick for much longer (hopefully)..and even then...its miserable...so it was weird but last night i had this dream that i died...and i'm not going to lie..it was a pretty intense dream and felt really real...but in the dream...i was ok with dying..i was happy to be able to finally live in Heaven and not worry and fret over everything going on in the world...it was like this peace..that i didnt expect...and i woke up feeling really surprised that in my dream..even though i died..it wasn't traumatic or scary..it was peaceful and exciting...so anyways today i went about my business..and was distracted all day with just everything going on with me..I'm leaving Thursday to go to Rosenberg, Texas for my 3rd Peddler Show...so i've just been getting ready for that and going through everything over and over again in my head..praying i dont forget anything...so then tonight we went to our Tuesday night worship service we have been going to at Gateway...it was great as usual..and then all of the sudden right in the middle of worship during this song...i was reminded of my dream...and that feeling of peace i had...there is just SOOO much more going on than what i see around me..and it was very evident to me tonight...God was telling me that that feeling i had in my soul was more than just some random feeling...its real and hes placed that longing in my soul for a reason...i'm part of this amazing plan he has..i'm a part of this family hes been building and continues to build for centuries to come...theres a place for me and ONLY me in Heaven...and that reassurance was almost breathtaking to me....it actually felt real...which is sad..but honestly i've never felt that before..and God spoke to me through that dream i had last night...to let me know that theres more to my life than just this bubble i'm living in..where things dont go my way..and i'm constantly battling with myself over unnecessary things over and over again...he has a greater plan for me...and one day i'll get to finally meet the man...the lover of my soul...and until then...ill be looking forward to it...

I'm dramatic...

so having all this extra time on my hands...my mind is on overtime right now...so be prepared for some rambling...


so i'm pretty sure i've been missing certain places a whole lot here lately...for one i miss south padre..where we spent a summer...well what i really miss is the beach...gosh..i def. miss that...one day when im over the top rich..i wanna have a second home on the beach...its just such a great place to lounge and allow yourself to relax in a way you can't anywhere else...set up your layout chairs...put some sunscreen on...and just bask in the sun..and enjoy the sound of the ocean and the feeling of the breeze in your hair...and i think my favorite part is when your not feeling lazy...and you decide your ready to take a swim in the ocean :) which is like completely different than swimming in the pool...its actually amazing to me..haha then that adventurous part of me always gets this feeling like i wanna swim out as far as i can...and then at a certain point..that other part of me that is really and deathly afraid of sharks..gains control haha i mean someone with as bad of luck as me..really needs to be paranoid sometimes..

God is just soo amazing to me....i think thats why it is really hard for me to stay put somewhere for very long..i am just soo anxious to see more and more of the many beautiful things hes created...i can't even wrap my mind around it all..and i haven't even been to very many places..haha its crazy...hes so unbelievable to me..

another place i am missing like crazy...is ruidoso, nm...i lived there for a lil while and have spent more than a few summers there...the mountains are just as beautiful in their own way...its pretty much also amazing.. :)

since fall is here and winter is on its way...i have really really been thinking a lot about the mountains and that great feeling you get when you can just put on a huge hoody and jeans and a cute beanie and go out in the middle of now where with your friends to sit by a campfire in the middle of the woods somewhere...i love the smells, the people, and just the all together feeling...gahlee..i need to just drive 10 hours and make a trip..cuz i'm pretty sure i left a huge part of myself back in ruidoso...

as for me...i'm the middle child...

So i have these two amazing sisters...and i know i dont thank God enough for them...i love them both soo much..they are such a huge part of my life and who i am....can't imagine life without them...so this post is dedicated to my older sister, Emily...and my younger sister, Anna....

Emily has such a strong personality...its written all over her face 24/7...and its a great personality let me add :)

then there is Anna...she def. has a strong personality as well...thats for sure :D I am so over the top grateful for Annabelle...

I love you both soo much...your my best friends...cant wait to see what God has planned for our lives in the future..i know its gonna be great as long as i have you two!

as for me...i'm willing...

so it seems like i've had a lot on my mind here lately and the truth is..it actually helps to get it all out and post this blog...except for the fact that i can't actually get EVERYTHING im thinking and put it on here for everyone to see...that would be a lil too much..so i'm just going to summarize...i'll leave out the juicy details...i know that kind of leaves you hangin..but i only share the "details" with the ones closest to me...oh..and by the way if your one of those people im close with..i am truly sorry you have to hear about all my details all the time...haha
soo..now that we have that out of the way...
so now that i'm doing my photography in the peddler show..my schedule has changed dramatically...but it has def. been a good change...i'm not working at the station house every day anymore..and i am only doing the shows...so now i have a ton of free time..to just focus on me...its such a weird feeling going from stage to stage in life...each stage being so new and intriguing...so now..i'm done with school and i get to do something i really love as my job...that is def. something i'm not used to...i'm used to having some rink-a-dink job..where i get taken for granted and bossed around 24/7...i dont know if thats how it is for everyone..but i guess i just have never had good luck with jobs...but honestly i never would have taken anything back...God knew what he was doing with me...and i honestly believe that...and now its finally becoming apparent to me...my weaknesses are suddenly becoming my strengths and to gradually become even more conscious of the plan he has for me..is honestly..a pretty amazing feeling...and all worth it....things that are frustrating and that i dont understand now...will make sense sooner or later...its just the being patient and trusting part that can be difficult...but when i look back at my life and how God has protected me and rescued me in so many ways...that makes it all a lil easier...i owe him that much...to love and trust him and acknowledge the many ways hes picked me up and put me on my feet again....without him..life can become this circle of deception and dishonesty that will ware you down to a place of desperation...we need him to live...even if we know that or not...
i know that right now in my life...i'm not married and i dont have children yet...and thats all for a reason....and thats more than ok...no matter how much i long for that....i need to let God do what he needs to do with me...becuz there is soo much more going on than i even know...and i am willing to wait...i dont even want to count how many times hes had to wait on me...

as for me...i'm so all over the place...

so things have really been changing in my life...and i just have this feeling where i know something intense and major is going to happen to me..i just dont really know how to handle it or control it...which makes sense...i'm not supposed to be able to control it i guess...its just so uncomfortable...tonight we went to seven..which is the worship service we go to on tuesday nights...and the whole time..my mind was just racing..and honestly i was uncomfortable...and the worst part of it all was..i couldnt just let it go...something was just stirring in my heart..and it was def. obvious God was trying to speak to me...theres is no denying that feeling...and when its God..i def. know...my heart starts beating really fast..and its hard to swollow ...he wanted to open my eyes to what was really going on around me...to look at the ones who love me and notice and acknowledge the strength and promises that come from those people, and be able to see him through them...and thats real...

just because i dont see him physically...doesn't mean anything...the words my daddy has spoken to me since i was born..thats been God...every moment you've ever had in your life when you feel safe...thats God...those long hours i spent in the car with Anna on our road trips across new mexico and texas..laughing until we can't breath..thats him too...

every good and wonderful thing comes from him...how much more real can it get...

me and anna found this park we had driven by a few times...so we thought we would go out and take some pictures and just explore...it was gorgeous..with all the rain we've been getting everything is just green and gorgeous..there was this huge open field with lil kids having soccer practice..and then there was a path that kind of led into the trees..so being curious and all..we headed down the path...it was really pretty back there..but after 10 minutes or so we realized we were being bit by bugs...of course by the time we realized it..it was too late...and being the smart kid that i am..i wore shorts..so i looked down and had bites all over my legs..guess they liked my lotion...cool story..haha so we quickly ran back to the outlander...and went back home...so much for being curious..thats what we get for watching lost...gahlee..that show is CRAZY...i have trouble sleeping at night..cuz i'm laying awake trying to figure out what the heck is going on in that show..haha

anyways...here are some pics from the park :D