control...

i find myself constantly doubting myself and my life in general, and i hate that i do that...i wish and only hope that i can learn to control my insecurities and one day be only full of confidence that this life will one day make complete sense...that would be nice huh!?

i have had to make some pretty intense decisions lately and no matter how painful they were...it would be more painful to ignore and bury them...

it is never comfortable or pleasant to hurt someone you truly care about...the only reassurance i have is that it was for good in the long run...but that piercing unpleasant feeling still shoots right through me when i think about it...i always feel like i'm in a movie during times like those...i remember thinking "is this really happening right now" during..and also thinking afterwards that i would never forget the feelings i had at that moment in time..even though if i had a choice i would erase them right after they occurred...but sometimes your heart wont allow it.

people come and go in life..some making more of an impression on you than others...i wish i could drop names but unfortunately this isn't some journal of mine that i can keep safe and hidden away..so no names..but those certain people for me...instantly triggers my emotions when i think of the memories...and how that is all that is left...memories... whether it was my choice to walk away or theirs...either way... the impressions and impacts they made on your life feel permanent...and almost haunting... the control on my part is being able to somehow turn the negative feelings into positive ones...

Bethany