sometimes i wish my life was a book, so i could skip to the end and just reassure myself that this all happened for a reason....

everything just feels like it has been such a wreck here lately and i dont really know how to get it back together..in fact i'm honestly not even sure it ever was "together" at all...i know i'm being dramatic but it just feels healthy to get this out i think...

i turn 27 soon and i dont feel ready...i dont think i was ready for 26 or 25 either but this time i feel dangerously close to 30. i feel like i should have had a list of things i most definitely needed to have done by the time i turn 30...i wouldn't even know how to begin on a list like that though..i change so much every year how would it even be legit....so instead i am just going to continue to live my life the best i know how... and try to forget about all the things i thought i needed to have done by now...

instead i am going to go check a book out from the library...get lost in the story and forget about my own...

in truth..

i have been really concentrating on what i want and not enough on what i have...

i talked to someone the other day and we were talking about our age and he said he stopped keeping track after 25..and i thought ya..sometimes thats how i feel...25 isnt old by any means, but its kind of that time in your life where you feel like everything kina is thrown in your face...you start really thinking about who you are and where you have been...now that i'm 26 going on 27...i kina just wish i was 24 again...that feeling doesn't really go away actually...i really would love to go back and maybe do things differently...i believe everything happens for a reason and everything but maybe there were better ways of handling situations..people are going to leave no matter what..you are going to lose contact with the people you love..and maybe i wouldn't mind delaying the inevitable...maybe there would have been ways to avoid making those mistakes that you deal with for the rest of your life that you were unaware of at the time...that would be nice huh...

bottom line is..you can't take that stuff back..or delay saying goodbye to someone you never wanted to say goodbye to...people enter your life just as quickly as they leave though..so its important to appreciate people if they mean anything to you at all...

im working on my appreciation of the love of my life right now though..my relationship with God seems like it is the most inconsistent..here lately...he gave us the choice to choose him in our own time and that is what makes it so beautiful when we do...i hate that i falter and stray sometimes but the feeling i have when i realize that he forgives and is always there no matter what..is unbelievable...he is the best friend in my life that honestly and truthfully will never leave me...and i'm daily trying my best to be that person for him back...

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. (Psalm 145: 18-19)

control...

i find myself constantly doubting myself and my life in general, and i hate that i do that...i wish and only hope that i can learn to control my insecurities and one day be only full of confidence that this life will one day make complete sense...that would be nice huh!?

i have had to make some pretty intense decisions lately and no matter how painful they were...it would be more painful to ignore and bury them...

it is never comfortable or pleasant to hurt someone you truly care about...the only reassurance i have is that it was for good in the long run...but that piercing unpleasant feeling still shoots right through me when i think about it...i always feel like i'm in a movie during times like those...i remember thinking "is this really happening right now" during..and also thinking afterwards that i would never forget the feelings i had at that moment in time..even though if i had a choice i would erase them right after they occurred...but sometimes your heart wont allow it.

people come and go in life..some making more of an impression on you than others...i wish i could drop names but unfortunately this isn't some journal of mine that i can keep safe and hidden away..so no names..but those certain people for me...instantly triggers my emotions when i think of the memories...and how that is all that is left...memories... whether it was my choice to walk away or theirs...either way... the impressions and impacts they made on your life feel permanent...and almost haunting... the control on my part is being able to somehow turn the negative feelings into positive ones...

Bethany

what matters...

latley life has been so unpredictable and all over the place....the people in your life who really affect your life and that matter to you..aren't always going to be constant...caring about someone on a deeper level puts you at risk of getting hurt..and not the kind of hurt where you heal right away and move on..but the kind of hurt that hits you deep down and becomes buried...showing itself from time to time and each time hitting you just as hard as if no time has passed...

there are way too many risks in life..and believing in people is a huge one for me...

i tend to believe in others maybe too much...i want to see the good and hope for only good...when at times it feels foolish of me.

one thing about this is to appreciate the ones around you who ARE constant and love you despite your flaws...the ones who dont give up on you and remind you of your mistakes and insecurities..but only help you through...

my dad has been super sick for a while and at first i honeslty wasn't taking it serious..he has always just been this strong figure in my life and so i just automatically believed he would get through this and now that he has been in the hospital for days now..its really all the sudden shaken me...i know he will get through this...he has to..but that memory of being a daddy's girl always relying on him and thinking he was everything will always stay with me..i could never be able to live without him...

appreciate those you know and love...life is always going to be life..its never perfect and one day you may wish you hadn't taken for granted those who you let in your life and heart for a reason...

love,

bethany

bout time...

so life just isn't ever what you expect or believe it should be...but that isn't new news huh...not for me it isn't anyway...the only way to stay sane is to remember that the only steady and predictable thing is God...
so i just turned 26 and i'm not gonna lie..it was a lil tough on my emotions...it just felt so different..like maybe i should have my life put together by now or just maybe i lost the chance...which is ridiculous but sometimes those kind of thoughts are inevitable...i dunno...the truth is i really have felt like i have accomplished a lot in this past year...its just not what i would have put together or planned for my life...but maybe thats a good thing...it has to be..God is the only one who knows what is best for me...and everything is as it should be...i might have made 100 mistakes along the way but after asking for his forgiveness countless times and then forgiving myself...those mistakes have been erased and it amazes me that God never stops loving me..he loves me despite it all...guilt is something that holds us back...i honestly believe it is something the devil uses to make us feel like less than what we are worth...and then it only leads to more and more sin because there is no longer a reason to be who we truly are...it's all just lies..all we have to do is recognize that...
its 2011 now..a perfect time for a new start and i'm constantly breathing in and out and reminding myself that this year will be full of events that are meant to be and hopefully refreshing to my life :)